So there is this woman at work who has been making nasty, snarky comments about a variety of things I do...such as the food I eat and where I buy it. Whole foods, it's often organic, the colours are not always blue or pink. Sometimes they are rather none descript. She has said that people who eat foods with additives are healthier than people who eat organic food. Vegetarians are unhealthy. That pretty much means me cause I'm the only one. Each comment, taken alone, would be something to ignore. But they have piled up over the last few months and become unbearable. SHE took a little hissy fit on Friday and made a few more pointed comments and then huffily left. Making it look as if I had done something to make her angry. It turns out she is upset because her husband is being transfered again. Okay. Be upset. Don't drag me into your little drama with all your transferance crap. K?
Everyone was left on Friday not knowing if she was coming in to work this morning or not...which would mean there would be no preschool teacher today or tomorrow at Mother's Tea. Which is a VERY BIG DEAL indeed! Mother's Tea, that is. The children have been rehearsing their performance for months.
Well, she showed up and told our director that her husband was being transfered and she did not want to talk about what she was doing to me. Our director left it there. I did want to talk and I told her what has been going on.
Now, this woman is not talking to me or even looking at me. So be it. I have done nothing wrong and I am not going to pretend I have and give her some kind of apology. If I thought I owed her one I damn sure would but as the abused party I don't think that would be very healthy and health is where we are heading. *Strive for emotional balance.*
So, am angry that everyone is working at denial in action but I suppose the day before Mother's Tea is not the best time to insist that a very nervous and emotional person take actions they don't really want to take. We'll see how things go after that and if the silent treatment continues it will ahve to be addressed. But, she is leaving eventually. It probably isn't really soon though. Last time it was a few months if I remember.
She has also pulled this not talking to people thing before with a couple of her aids and she was told then that she couldn't do that. But, fortunately, I do not have to spend all day with her. Just a few hours here and there. Still...this must be resolved in some way.

Insight?

So, I have neurotic guilt, and am character disordered. This said by a very (no, really) kind friend. Apparently, these are the nature of things that are under my control in the on going saga of Karen and the abusive comments I've been getting at work. And my attempts at indifference probably made the whole situation worse...for me cause I didn't deal with any of it til I was pushed to the wall so to speak and her behaviour because I suspect that it escalated when I did not respond but was indifferent. read: I did not cry at work, I did not go to my director and complain...my coworkers did that for me. I did not because I really did not see the picture as a whole until yesterday. Before that it was a bit like looking at an impressionist painting too close. Colour but no form.
So now I have some work to do on personality traits and emotional balance.
Off I go!

Bad Day

I had a really fucking bad day. I can't stop crying even though I think my eyeballs will likely explode soon. This woman at work has been making snarky comments for some time. I have NOT been making snarky comments back because I do not engage in childish, backhanded anger. If I have something to say, I say it. I don't have any need to couch it as teasing or telling you about your behaviour as if you were one of our students. But, it all came to a head today. I've been through the story so many times I don't event think I can do it again.
Although, what the fuck? My therapist made the comment, *Look what you're doing to yourself.* What? I'm in pain and I'm crying! So, fucking, what!? Actually, if you're me, that's sorta new. It sucks that I can't stop but.... My eyes just palin hurt, man. But, at least I've got feelings. And names for most of them. I had done to me what I don't allow in my classroom. This is the kind of backhanded shit my mother used to pull when we were kids. Which could be why I am so effected by it. But, it doesn't matter why. it just is. And she won't talk so nothing can be worked out. How childish.

This weekend was lovely weather wise. I have the sunburn to prove that I was out most of it and that I am just stupid. I KNOW the Spring sun is stronger than the Summer sun! It's not a bad one. I just didn't realise I was out that long. It was so beautiful out. I took Daisy to Riverfront Park on the Southside and to Sheraden Park twice. She was terrified by the geese at Riverfront Park. I got a cute picture of her looking absolutely confused by them. They didn't chase her or anything. It was just the honking. She's a big baby. And six months old today!

The bad news is that the doctor has given my mom's partner 2 weeks to six months to live. He is in hospital and may not come out. I'm catching a little fucked up slack about that since I was the one to nag, I mean, mention that he didn't look good and that he had a horrible cough. I thought he was in congestive heart failure and he is. He also has a leaky valve in his heart. I KNOW it's not my fault that he is so sick. Unfortunately, I am being treated as if it were. That's how this family works.

So, it would seem that we already have one person who has pulled out of the class. Seems he thinks that Reclaiming (or P.) is Dianic and that's not going to work for him. I'm not in tears really. I think he came to the class just to see what we were up to. He must like Rook's form of Reclaiming better. Not, not, not, that I don't love Rook. This guy just feels more comfortable with Rook than with us. Which makes sense because we are the scary lesbians. Well, some of us, anyway. Not all.

I also think that even though the first class was pretty simple and elementary really, it gave a taste of things to come. Can be scary. We have overwhelmed people before. I would have not thought this would be the class to do that, but, then, that's me. Not what he wants apparently. Which is fine. I was rather surprised he wanted to come in the first place.

Then, there is the issue where he rode the 2 C's to the class. If he doesn't come they will have to take the bus. This involves a transfer. Which will probably be too much effort. But, maybe not. If it is, you may rest assured that they will not say that travel is why they can't come but will come up with some drama or the other to satisfy themselves that they are not giving up.

We'll see what happens.

learning curve

I seem to be on a learning curve lately.
See, the last few posts have been part of a process (a messy one) in which I try to figure out what the hell happened and what I do now and how do I work it out so I can live with it. Cause in any number of previous posts I've mentioned that I don't drink, use drugs or alter my conscious reality in any fashion involving chemicals. Or in any fashion not conducive to ACTUAL REALITY. So, what I do and who I do it with has to actually work and not be harmful to my physical, emotional, or spiritual life. Cause it's all real.

So, enough with the evasive language. I have been trying to work out how to function in a group that two former covenmates wanted to be a part of. Let us just say that they are not the heatlthiest pair and one is not getting any help as yet for her lack of mental health. It was not a very healthy realtionship before and I have carried the resentmnents born of that until,well, two days ago.

I have been talking, writing, typing, praying (what else does one call it when one communes with the Divine), and meditating on this for over a week. The process felt messy and it WAS consuming. But, I did not feel that I was letting them *rent space in my head* as some friends made comment. I've been there. This was not the same place. This was a place where I was indeed looking at what had happened. But I was not playing it over and over to punish myself or look for ways to be vengeful. I saw them. Indeed. That would be the place where I build walls instead of boundaries. No, I found a place of boundaries and forgiveness. Yes, they did things I cannot countenance. I do not and will not permit or participate in their sick behaviour. But, two days ago, something just slipped away and I realised that I AM able to allow them into my home to participate in workshops as long as they behave. Forgiving them is not about letting them repeat their behaviour and saying it's okay. It's about holding boundaries and not resentments. If they can behave then they can come and maybe, just maybe they will learn to set boundaries of their own.

So, that was very interesting. It has been a long time since I have had to work that hard on resentments, forgiveness, boundaries. Cause my first reaction was to take refuge from the pain that they caused in the past behind a wall of defense. Like battlements for boiling oil and places for the archers. But that won't allow growth in me so, that wouldn't be very helpful.

not so easy

It is not so easy to *work the steps* as my last post might lead one to believe. But, it helps me get my thoughts in some kind of order. So, let me look at what my personality flaws might be that would hinder this issue.
I am belligerent, superior, and defiant. Which leads me into situations where I become confused, bewildered. Lost because I did not listen to or for the will of my Higher Power or to the well meant advice of friends. These are what lead me into a situation wherein I put myself in a position to be hurt.

Be that as it may, now I must find a way to heal the hurt. And not cripple my community in the process.

never done

Okay, so I made my decision about C. He can participate in the workshops cause there isn't an alternative (read a different community) that he can be a part of. And for some reason he wants to be a part of this one. So, he may. He may not be a part of my personal life. He is far too toxic. Being around him and socialising with him made me physically ill. But, a series of workshops, well, that's a horse of a different colour. Plus it gives me the opportunity to see how well my boundaries hold up.

And then there is the issue of my resentments towards the other C. Let me see if I can work this out.
1. I am powerless over C. and how she behaves. She made my life unmanageable and I stepped away from her.
2. The Goddess can restore me to sanity and help me hold my boundaries.
3. I will turn my will and my life over to the care of the Goddess. That way I won't have to kill her and go to jail. Plus, it just looks bad.
4. Searching and fearless moral inventory.
a. I tried to *help* C. and became angry when she did not do as I thought she
she should.
b. I was angry because my help was not appreciated. Nor was it asked for.
c. I took it as a personal affront when she did not try to seek effective
help for herself...even though I set it up so that it would be easy.
5. Okay, I was wrong. I am NOT in charge of anyone else's life.
6. Ready
7. Goddess, I'm quite ready to have the controlling, let me be your guide to life shortcommings removed.
8. the list:
Me
C.
9. Okay, this one can't be taken care of here.


This was helpful but it still doesn't really help me to decide what I am going to do if C.f. wants to come to the workshops too. Whereas C.m. was an unhealthy alliance I bare no ill will towards him. C.f is a little more tricky. She lived in my house and messed with the energy, broke Christmas ornaments in the attic, was pretty much hell to live with because she thought the demands being made of her were too much for her. My controlling of the demands was wrong. The demands for her to be responsible for herself and her actions was only what is expected of each of us.

Oh, and there was the nasty little letter which I assume was meant to curse and scare me which ended *So Mote It Be* when she left. I laughed. How dare she practise magic on me! But, the intention and the ill will written out like that was not very nice. Should have left her in the abusive situation she was in and leave her to her own devices.

There well may be more to this one. Oh, yes, not done with this one yet.

decisions

It would seem I have a decision to make. So what's new?
The *New Thing* that we're doing instead of coffees is teaching rituals. And if no one shows up and it's just us...rituals.

Here's the deal though, there are two people on the edge of our community who may or may not want to participate and since these events will be taking place at my house I have to decide whether or not I want them here. They are a boundariless pair although not a couple. Best Friends. They were both part of my last coven. One of them lived with me for a while. They both have mental illness issues that may be years in the resolution. Especially for one since she is doing nothing about it. How do I explain my revulsion without sounding like one of my students (5 year olds). I don't want this to sound like *you can't come to my party* but I really don't want you at my party. I have spent the past year having my boundaries trampled and the only thing they seem to understand is anger and physical distance. Which we would not have if they came to the rituals. I don't wnat to hug you. I barely want to speak to you. The guy forced people to particiapte at the Lughnasadh ritual which was the last until Ostara in which we were together. I was not only appalled I was furious. I could *see* myself hurting him. Such a level of emotion! I can't even find words to express how I felt. They aren't big enough. And no outlet. I couldn't do what I WANTED to do. My internal boundaries mostly work. But forcing people to do things in ritual that they do not understand and do not want to do is not right. These were people with no experience with ecstatic ritual and no basis for understanding what he was doing. It was not in the *ritual conspiracy* and when they asked him what he was doing he told them not to worry *just go with it*. Riiight! After that I told him I did not want to be in ritual with him. I relented and said he/they were welcome at the public ritual. But this is different.
And, they did not behave themselves at the public ritual but ran away with the Elemental invocations, blah, blah, blah. I know. I sound like a baby.
But, I get hugs when I've said no, put up my hand and stepped back. Granted it wasn't a close hug, but, no means, no! I am afraid that one more boundary crossing will be the last straw. They do not understand boundaries at all. When I enforce mine they get angry, pout, and cause a scene. I deal with this at work. I do not want to deal with this from them.
Okay, I'm *living in the wreckage of the future*. They might actually behave themselves. I might give them a chance to behave themselves. But, if they can't behave at a public ritual, why do I think they would behave in this instance?
Maybe they'll think they don't need teaching rituals. One can only hope.
I feel like my boundaries are assaulted with every encounter with them and their damaged boundaries. One does the talking thing. Talks nonstop. No one can get a word in edgewise. The other...just no boundaries. Let's people walk all over himphysically, emotionally, sexually. And he does the same if he can. Oh, yes. I know them all too well. Which is why I am so scared. Scarred.
I don't want to exclude them from the community but I don't know how else to keep myself safe. Unless we state, specifically, what is okay and what is not. And I know from past experience that they will find the thing we have forgotten and use it.
Oy!

I don't make decisions quickly, usually. They come to me slowly. Especially when they involve *community*. The whole Reclaiming coffee thing took weeks to sort out. Was I being spiteful? Was it a *power play*? How did I really feel and why? What, exactly, was going on?
So, I took the time to work it all out. No, it wasn't a power play. Yes, I may have been just a bit spiteful. I knew people were going to be upset. But that was mainly about their power issues and thinking they controlled something that they do not want to commit to. I was REALLY ANGRY about how people were behaving and shifting thier responsibilities onto me. So, when things became clear, I took responsibilty for my feelings and my actions and did what I think is the right thing. We're just doing something different now. Something with more purpose that will fill a need here.
So, however others may feel, I am okay with my actions.

I saw a hawk in the park today. It eyed Daisy up just a little too closely. But, as she is slightly bigger than the hawk, it left her alone. It was awesome. Daisy has developed a dog's reverance for the *sacred springs* in the park and did them full honors by walking in the water pouring from them. One was quite a little waterfall after all the rain we've had. She was quite impressed by it. She had herself a dive into the water pouring off the rocks. Need I mention that she was very muddy by the time she was done *worshipping*. Going to the river is a must now. She will love it.